Curiosa's Guide to Financial Management (OR how to survive when you're broke)**
1) Buy non-perishable food at the beginning of the month so that you won't starve when you run out of money at the end of the month. This does not, however, prevent you from being jealous of your cat when you realize that he is eating better than you are.
2) "Borrow" toilet paper from your employer when you run low and can't afford to restock. Consider it a "perk" of the job (along with the free java). If you're not comfortable with that option, see number 6 and take a few extra napkins with your latte.
3) Buy shampoo and conditioner at the beginning of the month, so you don't find yourself reading the label on the bottle of cat shampoo to see if it's safe for humans.
4) When the caffeine withdrawal becomes too much to stand, go to your regular coffee shop and "forget" your wallet. They'll let you pay next time. They know you can't stay away.
5) Advertise your junk on the Internet. You'd be surprised what utter rubbish people will buy, especially those suffering from Packrat Syndrome.
6) Thoroughly clean out every purse and book bag to scrape together enough change to purchase a 9 SEK latte from the coffee shop around the corner.
7) It's time to return the "whatchamacallit" you accidentally purchased at the hardware store instead of the "thingy" that you needed to hang the shelves (which incidentally, never got hung). Find the receipt at the same time you are scouring your bags for loose change. With the 24 crowns you get back, plus the extra crown left over from number 6, you can afford to go back to your favorite cafe and get your daily caffeine fix.
8) Take all of those random foreign currencies to Forex and get back just enough money to buy kitty litter.
9) Finish off the last of the chocolate Mom sent for Christmas. Really, chocolate is an excellent meal replacement. At the very least, you get a temporary high.
10) Take those liter Coke bottles to the grocery store for recycling to get 15 crowns credit that you use to buy knäckebröd.
11) Offer the bottle of 50 proof Estonian liquor that you "accidently aquired" for the equivalent of 15 Swedish crowns in the duty-free section of the Tallinn airport to the neighborhood beggar in exchange for enough change to buy a latte at 7/11.
AND AS A LAST RESORT:
12) Go on a date with the lawyer from match.se and hope to God he understands the concept of an "American date." If he doesn't offer to pay, hand the waiter your old credit card, which was demagnetized and no longer works, and act utterly shocked when it is "unreadable." Leave your American drivers' license (since you can't use it in this country anyway) as "security" at the restaurant, while you "go around the corner to get cash," and don't go back until two days after payday (three days is better, to thwart suspicion), explaining that you are very, very sorry but you have been out of the country and were unable to make it back before now.
**The above may or may not have actually happened. I shall neither confirm nor deny.
****"Financial management" in this context may be a bit of an oxymoron. One would assume that if one actually possessed skills in "financial management" it would not be necessary for one to be jealous of one's cat's culinary spread at the end of the month.
EDITED TO ADD: POST LISTS ABOUT HOW BROKE YOU ARE ON THE INTERNET AND PEOPLE WILL OFFER YOU FREE HAIR CONDITIONER AND HOME-COOKED MEALS. THIS MAY BE THE BEST STRATEGY YET!!
2) "Borrow" toilet paper from your employer when you run low and can't afford to restock. Consider it a "perk" of the job (along with the free java). If you're not comfortable with that option, see number 6 and take a few extra napkins with your latte.
3) Buy shampoo and conditioner at the beginning of the month, so you don't find yourself reading the label on the bottle of cat shampoo to see if it's safe for humans.
4) When the caffeine withdrawal becomes too much to stand, go to your regular coffee shop and "forget" your wallet. They'll let you pay next time. They know you can't stay away.
5) Advertise your junk on the Internet. You'd be surprised what utter rubbish people will buy, especially those suffering from Packrat Syndrome.
6) Thoroughly clean out every purse and book bag to scrape together enough change to purchase a 9 SEK latte from the coffee shop around the corner.
7) It's time to return the "whatchamacallit" you accidentally purchased at the hardware store instead of the "thingy" that you needed to hang the shelves (which incidentally, never got hung). Find the receipt at the same time you are scouring your bags for loose change. With the 24 crowns you get back, plus the extra crown left over from number 6, you can afford to go back to your favorite cafe and get your daily caffeine fix.
8) Take all of those random foreign currencies to Forex and get back just enough money to buy kitty litter.
9) Finish off the last of the chocolate Mom sent for Christmas. Really, chocolate is an excellent meal replacement. At the very least, you get a temporary high.
10) Take those liter Coke bottles to the grocery store for recycling to get 15 crowns credit that you use to buy knäckebröd.
11) Offer the bottle of 50 proof Estonian liquor that you "accidently aquired" for the equivalent of 15 Swedish crowns in the duty-free section of the Tallinn airport to the neighborhood beggar in exchange for enough change to buy a latte at 7/11.
AND AS A LAST RESORT:
12) Go on a date with the lawyer from match.se and hope to God he understands the concept of an "American date." If he doesn't offer to pay, hand the waiter your old credit card, which was demagnetized and no longer works, and act utterly shocked when it is "unreadable." Leave your American drivers' license (since you can't use it in this country anyway) as "security" at the restaurant, while you "go around the corner to get cash," and don't go back until two days after payday (three days is better, to thwart suspicion), explaining that you are very, very sorry but you have been out of the country and were unable to make it back before now.
**The above may or may not have actually happened. I shall neither confirm nor deny.
****"Financial management" in this context may be a bit of an oxymoron. One would assume that if one actually possessed skills in "financial management" it would not be necessary for one to be jealous of one's cat's culinary spread at the end of the month.
EDITED TO ADD: POST LISTS ABOUT HOW BROKE YOU ARE ON THE INTERNET AND PEOPLE WILL OFFER YOU FREE HAIR CONDITIONER AND HOME-COOKED MEALS. THIS MAY BE THE BEST STRATEGY YET!!
posted by Curiosa at 12:37 AM
9 Comments:
yeah you need that job.
Hahahahahahahaha!
You have the skills, girl - or as my nerdy friends (and sometimes even me, myself and I) would say:
The m4d l33t l33c41ng zki11z =)
13) Pawn the cat.
Love it, love it, love it! You'r texts are so talented and ironic. Give me more. I'll put up a link to your blogg on mine (on swedish). Keep going...
14) Don't even think about it.
--The cat
hahaahahah!! This is so funny because it is soooooooooo true (although I "borrow" toilet paper from school. I feel it would be part of the learning process if I get caught).
Oh my, where do you get a 9 SEK latte in Stockholm? Could it possibly be any good? Please share! I usually end up paying 25-30 SEK for a latte. I have a job but still also have the need to save some....
We can't have our Curiosa starve to death, can we?!?!!
Lucky you! What if you were a smoker too?
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