Swedish Mating and Dating
Swedish Mating and Dating
Frankly, I'm not sure how Sweden would manage to keep up its relatively high birth rate (compared to rest of Europe, at least) without the existence of such things as massive quantities of Carlsberg beer (see, some good things do come out of Denmark) and ferries to Finland that make it possible for Medel Svensson to purchase Absolut at affordable prices.
To me, as an émigré to Sweden trying to navigate the subtleties of romance in a foreign country, Swedish mating and dating rituals (and usually in that order) appear to be a very slow, conspicuous process that promises to baffle even the Swedes themselves. It goes something like this:DayNight One:
A) Meet at a mutual friend's party
B) Get really, really shit-faced
C) Make out
D) If you're lucky, you are sober enough to save the other person's telephone number in your mobile phone, AND to put it under the correct name.
Day Two:
A) Send a text message (assuming you were, in fact, sober enough to have completed step "D" of "Night One") along the lines of "last night was nice. Shall we have a coffee sometime?"
B) Spend hours analyzing the various ways in which aforementioned text message could be misinterpreted. Get your friends to help you in this endeavor.
Week One:
A) Have a "fika."**(see below for an explanation of this Swedish institution)
B) At the end of this fika, give each other an awkward hug, or possibly a handshake, ended with the statement, "Vi hörs!" or "Hoppas vi ses snart!" ("I'll talk to you soon." or "Hope we see each other soon!")
**A "fika" is a Swedish word for an ambiguous meeting that may or may not be a date, or better explained as a non-date, or a date that is pretending-not-to-be-a-date. It is also worth mentioning that one can also have a fika with a friend, colleague, family member, or neighbor. Hence the ambiguity of the whole affair. During this "fika" Swedish non-date, things are a little stilted and awkward as both parties pretend that nothing happened last Saturday night, and politely and awkwardly ask questions about the other person, usually beginning with "Where do you live?," descending into a discussion about the difficulty and frustration of the Stockholm housing market, and complaining that you have had to move seven times in the course of six months.
Week Two:
A) Spend the entire next week pondering over who should make the next move.
PLEASE NOTE: It is not assumed here that the guy will take the lead in the relationship. More likely, the opposite is expected. If the Swedish guy, is, surprise, surprise, forward enough to actually open his mouth and say something at all during this date, he may feel that it is now the girl's turn to put herself out on a limb.
B) Spend many more hours analyzing your feeble attempts at SMS "flirting," agonizing over whether you or not should use the word "mysig" (cozy) or "trevlig" (nice), fearing the former may be too much, and the latter may not be enough. Once again, enlist the help of your friends.
Sometime in the next month:
A) Repeat DayNight One.
B) Repeat Day Two.
C) Repeat Week One, all along pretending that Night One #1 and Night One #2 never happened.
Sometime in the next year:
A) Do something very scary: go out to dinner.
B) Since it's a little harder to pretend you are not on a real date in the formal atmosphere of a restaurant, drink massive amounts of the house wine.
3) At the end of dinner, closely examine the bill to make sure each person pays for his or her appropriate share of the check, including the extra 5 KR for dressing on the side.
Two weeks after doing something very scary:
A) Get kicked out of your way-too-expensive second-hand rental contract because the person you were subletting didn't take 10 study points and lost his/her contract for student housing.
B)Once again, bring up the subject of the horrors of the
C) Move in together.
D) Go shopping at IKEA.
E) Have a child. (Name it Johan, Erik, Fredrik, or Henrik if its a boy. Name it Sara, Anna, Lisa, or Emma if its a girl.)
F) Move to the suburbs and buy a Volvo.
At some point in the future:
A) Maybe, just maybe, get married.
posted by Curiosa at 11:30 PM
185 Comments:
Very much to the point. I'm already looking forward to the next posts... :-)
Anna (Vikingess, godess, hungover)
I agree completely!
/Johan (male but equally hungover)
Skrattar så jag går i bitar... och gråter...
Thou speakest the truth milady...
Yeah, I had to have a few of my Swedish girlfriends "fact check" it for me, to make sure it wasn't all in my head. Unfortunately, it wasn't. I also had months of background research to confirm my results.
The swedish dating scene must be some sort of natural reaction to an overpopulated planet, earths own way of restoring balance by keeping down the birth rate.
I'm personally hoping for the fågelinfluensa to put us out of our misery...at least that doesn't involve the housing market in any way.
It's annoying that it is both so silly and true at the same time. :)
Klockrent!
I have never done the dinner part though.
The fika must go on!
And i hate that there is no word for fika in english or turkish cause i spend my days in istanbul this autumn.
HAHAHA!
Totally made me crack up laughing! I did brought back memories. It was over 14 years ago since I did the Swedish dating and mating thing and things have not progressed since I left Sweden!
The Swedish dating scene is undoubtedly not very easy to handle. Add a few KK, maniacal ex-dates who turn up at your 'fikas' and, as you mentioned, the awkward 'gender equality' which means that noone ever knows whose move it is, and you've got a real problem.
That's why I moved to London :)
Mx
Hahahahaha......jag kan bara hålla med!
Damn! It's sad AND true.
It is sad but so true! I'm in the same situation right now. Fika, fika and another fika every other week. It is frustrating and you feel like giving up big times! We women do want men to move a little bit faster. We like attention but we do not like men who are talk about our future toghether on the third date (fika). Sometimes I wish that Swedish men would be more open when it comes to what they really want!/Sofia
Very amusing. :) However, swedes are quite prejudicing when it comes to other swedes. If this is the average swede's dating habits, I guess all of my friends are as special as my mother tells me I am. ;)
I hope your swedish girlfriends eventually will run into guys who don't fit the oh-so-boring-and-predictable swedish dating stereotype (phew!). If not, I have some guys in stock. ^_^
And yeah, keep up the good work!
If not, I have some guys in stock.
Where are you hiding them?
auskraut, you're right. by playing the "american card," sometimes i've been able to circumvent The Process, described above.
Very true. I never succeeded. I moved to Turkey instead.
Here it's even much more complicated.
Great! "På pricken", in Swedish, wich should not be translated to "on the prick" in English.
This is far to accurate, almost scary - no strike that, it is very scary.
My only consolation is that I skipped from day two to the very scary thing within the same 24h. Then we where an item within a week after that. But then I'm a bit forward when I know what I want - not to fond of BS.
And yes, we've been to Ikea, we have two kids (their names differ from your suggestion), we may just get married one day eventually, but we have no Volvo.
I'm still trying to find my jaw, keep up the good work.
Marcus,
But then I'm a bit forward when I know what I want.
I wish more of your kind were. (And by "your kind," I mean men, not Swedes.) :)
Thanks for the comment.
As Jerry Seinfeld would have put it "it's funny because it's true".. I'll say: "It's scaring my ass off because it's true" This is one of the reasons I would like to emigrate to some other much more relaxed country.
PS.
In Australia.. "Swedish Girls" means "horny, willing, easy going blond girls, that doesn't have to be Swedish at all to qualify for this name. How does this adjective happen? It's a mystery.
Medelsvensson is one word, not two.
After reading this I have to say I have to emigrate. Its so true. My God so much agony it is to be swedish. No wonder we always sing in minor.
I can't wait to read what you think of those Swedes that are in a long term relationship, living together, possibly have kids, but are holding off on marriage because they seem to still be shopping around for someone better...
What's that all about? 8O
I personally think it's because they move in together too soon due to the lousy housing situation. They wind up living together out of convenience, but aren't really satisfied with the person they are living with. It's a real shame... it really is.
lol
To close to the truth.
I lived in Sweden for a year and have been through similar situations and have heard many more stories from female friends. In Turkey we have different images of swedes such as being relaxed and easy about affairs but they turn out to be the total opposite. We are much more relaxed about dating and sex to my suprise... And any swede i met looked with some pity in his eyes to me when i said i am from Turkey. Hey mates! sit down and think about your way of living... Now i feel sorry for this society because actually they are quite nice people. Too much social oppresion, lacking affection and courage. I like the swedish ladies more than men, they are much more outgoing and seem to know what they want and knowing how to fight for it. Big lesson one of out my experience, I stay away from the swedish men due to unbearable frustration...
Nice, point well made...
Dating scene is totally absurd, yet it is something that adds a little flavour to the whole matter of meeting and mating!.
interesting that swedes also have a special word for drinking(SUPA).
Hej! should i say exactly the same here or is it totally unnecessary? hahhaha! you made my day! i still feel the urge to say: yes exactly!!!
I was shattered when he wanted to share the bill on the first fika which consisted of two coffees. It was only 30 kronos for God sake! I was a poor student and he was working in a nice company getting ten times more than i was paid. I wanted to pay the bill then because i kind of wanted to show him how unimportant it is and he did not accept it. It was like "i want nothing from you and i won't give anything to you". How mean! It was such an embarrassing night for me. I wanted to say "easy, easy". God help these guys!
i agree the swedish women are much better in terms of general attitude than swedish men. I dont know why. does anyone have an idea?
The idea that expresses this fact about Sweden as "gender equality" sucks and is so arcaic! I want a man to act like a man full stop. Oh yes i suffered from the same stuff as well! We want equal rights, not men acting like women or women acting like men...
hahahaha! and more hahahaha! during my years in sweden at first i thought it was happening to me only, but as i talk to more people i came to the conclusion that i was not the only one. solidarity is the key girls :) it is a national disease.
I was kinda together with one of this kind, and he claimed that he didnt remember the first time he saw me. He was like a monkey around me that night we met for the first time. I guess it was too difficult for him to accept that it was him who tried to get me first. Oh what a shame! I left him ofcourse and the poor bastard never really understood why. I don't like men trying to hide behind the excuse of being drunk.
Do not take it as anything rude but I am so happy that I wasn't born here in Sweden. My special thanks to God :-)))
I can not help feeling that some kind of aggression is going on against the swedish people here! We are different from the rest of the world and quite proud of it. If you do not like it, you can leave us alone and we will be very happy.
Yes being american helps although they seem like they don't like americans, they go after them. I know it from my buddy from the States. He was way too much more successfull than any of us in total. As a South-American I had very little chance.
I know a guy who used to say that he came here to be with blondes leaving in agony hating the blondes and having a total change in his taste for women. Now he is married to a black girl :) Nothing in life is impossible! Cheers Grigoris!
Once i made the mistake of simply calling him instead of texting an sms for minutes. He was terrified and treated me like I was in obsessed about him. He made feel like a stalker. You know what? he never called me again, never! It took me a long time to grasp the real reason.
damn sad and damn true
Lola..................
Wonderful comments. The tables have turned. Girls are getting upset with guys not taking any initiative and not being straightforward about their intentions.
What can I say, that's the way it's been for guys forever. Let's see how good at mindreading girls are.
We're sick and fucking tired of doing all the work, now it's your turn. All in the name of equality...
Just a comment on the word "fika", in italian it means vagina, so when you tell an itailan we could have a fika-date, he/she will not react as expected. Just for your info...
Hej guys! Thanks for all the comments. Just wanted to add a response to Elin's comment. This is meant to be funny. I fully admit I'm guilty of gross generalizations here. There are many many wonderful things about Sweden and Swedes. Not that I'm necessarily sure that's what's going on here, but I just wanted to add that my intent with this was not "swede-bashing." :) Thanks for reading!
Excellent! Even if this is funny, it's also true. Even funnier because it's true. Only a keen eyed foreigner can really pick out the subtelties of Swedish dating. Excellent!
So very true.
About that thing about "horny blond Swedish girls", that is just that.
Teenagers going on vacation without parents, with hormones pouring ut of their ears.
It's just that that Swedes had had the money and the urge (Swedish summer - the warmest day of the year) to go abroad for some light vacation and cheap drinks. Also, when you turn 20, there is the lure of bringing home cheap alcohol.
So it won't matter much where you come from at that age, those that go on trips with friends to make (mate?) new friends are that way. It's just that when it all started, those who could afford it was Americans (who went to Florida on a road trip at spring break and so never stood out as foreigners) and Swedes, who went to the Canaries or Mallorca, where the locals are a tad bit darker in skin tone and hair so the Swedes are more noticable.
Anyone seen that charter documentary with Brittish tourists? They are just as "bad" with booze and sex as any swede the same age, it just took them longer to leave their little island fortress.
Curiosa could you please later on share your research results on swedish men with us? I know quite a big number of girls who would at least be relieved that there is nothing wrong with them. Just in the name of solidarity please :)
Being Swedish, I do recognize the pattern. However, with my current "sambo" (common-law-husband), I went right onto the "two weeks after doing something very scary"-part, with a modification (I lived with my parents, and we don't have children), meaning we've lived together since the third week of the relationship. It was cool. We're getting married in six months.
I don't understand why Swedes have this need to complicate things. ;)
Making it complicating makes it so much more rewarding in the end when you succeed. :D
I think it's kind of funny to seem shy and silent and then suprise when you get home... ;)
But then again I realy look kind of nice and sweet that I always seem to suprise.
from the land of oz...
i didn't realise that him (my swedish partner) not paying for our first meal together was because of the swedish dating ritual - i just thought he was a cheapskate.
and yes we did lots of sms and email and not too many actual phone calls in those early days.
we now live together, unmarried, with our 2 year old son, surrounded by ikea 'stuff' (in fact he is on his way to ikea land as we speak...)
Thank God I'm married!
But how do normal (i.e. non-Swedes) do it? Although I am Swedish myself I didn't do it the Swedish way, so to speak, when I met my husband. Neither did I do it the Irish, Australian or American way, apparently, since I slept with my husband on our first date (friends from these respective nations have expressed mild shock when I have told them about how I met my hubby).
"Murtaugh said...
Medelsvensson is one word, not two."
is NOT.. Medel is a word and Svensson is a name and togheter they have the meaning of "The Average Swede"
Other than that I agree that swedish people are a bit more reserved than people from other countries. // Greetings from a Swedish guy known as Psyneh ;)
( psyneh-seduction.blogspot.com )
Hi!
This was really funny being a swede reading about this serious matter in english. Great reflections and unbelievable that we even get to meet each other, isn´t it?
Cheers,
//F
Grew up in sweden and realised while i was readin what u wrote..I died...I am more swedish than I even realised ... Amazing. Why why why why why.............................hahahhaha
Now I gotta move. Please continue ur good work,maybe people wake up a bit.
I agree that swedes over thirty are chicken and/or inexperienced when it comes to dating, but I'm not sure I agree with the process part...
A couple of years back I fell in real love with a capital L and realized that all of my former relationships had started with drunk sex. I felt like shit cause I knew that wasn't going to cut it any more...
So I did a survey to see if I was unique or something. Turns out 99% of the swedish males have never had a relationship that didn't start with drunk sex. But the swedish women weren't that much better with an average of 90%.
What's up with that?!
Max(Being a sober and daring lover that knows what she/he wants is such a f-ing turn on)
haha right on the spot
Im a pretty normal (I hope) Swedish male and not the kind of guy whom fits in the "stud" or even the "dating material" category but sure.. Being drunk is usually helpful (until you wake up the next day, hungover and wondering what the hell really happened last night). Usually IF you bring someone home, it's the wrong person.
The Swedish phenomenon "särskrivning" prevails, you'd think that a simple fact such as "medel" being a word and "Svensson" being a name would be an easy rule to go by, but that's not the case. There's an even simpler rule: All words spoken as one, must be written as one. In the mixed case, use hypenation. The correct word is: "medel-Svensson."
Don't särskriv! :)
You nailed it. That's the way they work. I couldn't deal. Had to move back to the good ole' US of A.
Jocke
Oh God... This is all horribly true... I blame it on the gender "equality" thing. Swedish males have been indoctrinated from when they went to kindergarden that it's so so bad to show a little initiative, because if they do, then the girls can't, and that's both "fact" and "bad"... What in the name of fornication!?!?! That's just wrong, and the opposite of gender equality, not only that males are taught to be pussies but also because females are painted out as weak little victims.
So what we have now are males who only get any self estem/confidence in themselves when they drink themselves into chimps, and females who are raging sluts looking for their "knights in shining armour, coming to bring them away", as well as bitchy and submissive at the same time! It's ******* sick! Of course it's just a general picture I'm drawing here, but I think there's something to it.
I consider myself "tenderly dominant" in the way of relationships, but girls I get inwolved turn apprehensive of me, because they don't quite know what to make of me... On the other hand I'm quite pampering towards them, on the other hand quite strong willed and I know what I want. This combination seems to scare the girls I've dated. It's like they think it's "either or", and I can't see why... Again, I blame the ambiguous gender roles we Swedes are schooled into from the day we're born... Especially males. I hate it, and I'm definatly NOT going to let the Swedish public preschool and school systems touch any of my kids when I decide to have a family.
At first I found this kind of boring but still a tiny bit funny. Now that I've read all the horrible comments (especially the ones including the words "gender roles" and "public schoolsystem") I have to make one myself, just to get to feel like I have made a difference in the world.
This description of the dating/fika system is kind of true, I guess, but still it sounds like the author and all her friends are a fucking bore. I don't really get it. If you want to have a relationship with someone you have to hang out, which means doing stuff together. What you choose to do together and how long it takes to connect must be a matter of personality.
I like it to take time. Stressed out frog-kisser date frenzys are bullshit. I like to get to know a person before I start considering myself a part of a couple. If you just want sex, try the above mentioned KK realationships or just go out and get laid once a week like everyone else who likes drunken sex and awkward hung over mornings.
And as far as I'm concerned any date of mine is welcome to pay her part of the bill. Or my part, for that matter. And I don't have a problem with paying for her stuff either. The point is I wouldn't put up with being expected to buy my girlfriend. All in all that must be concidered a matter of economy, right? Pay if you afford to. Simple and clear.
Anyway I'm glad I don't have to date people who disagree with me about how we are "supposed" to act towards eachother. But then again it would be kind of fun to take it to the full out extent with the american way. Pick up at 7, fancy restaurant, kiss at the door, all of that. Meeting the parents.
Or hey, was I being a little prejudicious now? Guess this post had a bad influence on me.
Reina:
I'm happier. Moron.
lgab: it's not at all clear this is a "mixed case". The word can also be written Medelsvensson or, as I prefer, medelsvensson. It's a noun, not a name.
you forgot the part where you go home and look up everything about the other one on Google/ Stureplan.se/other picture site
That is SO true! By Jove, I just realised why meeting women in London feels so excitingly different!
Yes, but the british accent is kind of a turnoff though! :/
The description has several similarities with reality, I don't get the funny part though. I have to go with Världens bögigaste kille here, it's just a matter of getting to know each other.
And the method is unbeaten when it comes to paralell "dating".
By the way, you'll find cowards and cheap people all over the globe. Regardeless of dating habits.
:-D
I'd say this funny text describes very well the self image of Swedes - however, I don't actually know anyone who behaves this way.
Personally I always date in bars. Things get much more interesting that way.
You really nailed it! I will do my very best to try to avoid investigating girls like yourself in the future. I don't want to blowe my cover now, do I? ;)
The "fika" part I agree with, and in fact I think the ambiguous not-a-date fika is a great swedish institution. I tend to just pay for everything even though I can't afford it, seems less awkward that way.
Entertaining!
I'd love to read an exposé on the subject of scarcity of interesting Swedish Males. And Females. Because that's what it amounts to.
Världens bögigaste kille -
thanks for the comments. it's nice to get some from people who disagree with me as well. first of all, I KNOW this is not how all relationships start in Sweden, but there is enough truth in it to make it funny. as for your comment that "the author and all her friends are a fucking bore," it would be interesting to hear what you consider "exciting." I agree with you that having a "fika" once or twice is a great way to start getting to know someone, but at a certain point, a fika doesn't cut it anymore. It's not about sex at all (if i want that, i'll go looking for it at a bar), but you are absolutely right that you "have to hang out, which means doing stuff together." Doing stuff, not just sitting in a cafe for an hour staring into your coffee cup. Maybe part of it is that dating signals are somehow "lost in translation," in the sense that if I go out with an American guy, I usually know by the end of date number one whether or not he's interested. With the Swedish guys I've gone out with, I often find myself wondering whether or not he's interested at all.
On a final note, I just want to point out that the comments about "gender equality" etc were left by other people, and were not part of the original post.
HAHA! This was really funny, and I agree that there's often confusion and insecurity during the initial stages of fika-dating. The analyzing of text messages is totally true and hilarious. But my opinion is that people often do other things than "fika" on their first date and I don't think it's common to repeate that "step". I agree with världens bögigaste kille to large parts, and it's all about spending time together. If you don't like this way of dating, do it in some other way, I don't think it scares people away.
In sweden it's considered very old fashioned if the guy pays all the bill. Why are we supposed to pay? I can see that this is logic in cultures where men are the ones making all the money, but for young swedes the gender differences in income aren't that big. The bill is usally not a problem, since you usually pay half of it each, but I do understand that the situation can become awkward if you're not swedish and don't know about this. If that's the case and the guy is aware of that the girl doesn't know the customs, then of course he should offer to pay.
Yes, getting really drunk and then make out and then pretend that nothing's happened is pretty sad (but then that doesn't apply to all swedes), besides from that I like the swedish dating behaviour. Tough I would like it if it was a little more relaxed..
It would be very interesting if someone explained a bit about the dating scene in other countries!
Isn't it more like Swedes in general (guys AND girls) are afraid of showing their emotions? When I (a guy) date a girl, I'm always wondering at the end of the first date whether or not she ever want to see me again. Even if I tell her I'd like to have a second date. So what's with that?
I agree with Ayahuasca. This is a very good method to use when you want to "skilja angnarna från vetet" (separate the grain from the chaff). You can "fika" (date) with like seven different girls at the same time. The way of the "fika" gives you enough tima and space to decide wich one to choose for real. If a girl get suspicius you can tell her that you're seeing your friends, cut down some smsing activites for a while (tell her you're tired and say goodnight, regardless time of the day, when you've answered maybe three sms'es). After a couple of weeks, when you're sure of wich one to take you just have to increase the intervals between your messages and your "fikas" and eventually the ones you don't want will weary. If you run it real smooth you can "krogen" and have drunk sex once in while too.
Great post, btw.
Firstly, funny satire. But mu thoughts just circle around why EVERYONE who seemes to agree about this and want it to change takes emigration as the best answer.
My god, people. Make a fucking difference instead.
Jimmy I couldn't agree more!
Oh, and that splitting the bill part isn't that called "going dutch" ?
So can all this really be blamed on velour and "staffan wersterberg" or might this be an international conspiracy ;)
that said, yes I'm really bad at interpeting "the signals" and no, I hate SMS and would rather call the girl instead)
btw just had a fika (the first) with this girl, and were are having diner at her place after xmas.
// Break the circle!
drunk, at a mutual friends house, making out: check, check and check!
awkward fika the day after: check
skipped a few steps since we actually knew each other a little before Night One #1. Also, I'm too much of a gentleman to get into the bill-splitting. I pay on dates.
now item, suburubs, two kids, volvo, planning marriage: check, check, check, check and ... check
For those of you who would like to know how things are in different countries, I can assure you that it's the same in... DENMARK!
Not a big surprise i guess, since we're pretty much neighbours. :-)
The only thing that differs - to my knowledge - is the splitting-the-bill part. I think the guy usually pays here.
Cheerio from Copenhagen!
man, i did that more times than i care to count when i lived in sweden. except for the kid part, thank god.
ansigt,
from my experience, danes don't pay either. ;)
hahahha fun reading indeed, but i for one think this is a stockholm syndrom... have never experianced it like that down here in Malmö, tho im on the other side of the story being a guy and all.
Happy hunting in the future :)
This maybe true, if you live in Stockholm. But in the dirty south of sweden, we do the fika drunk - like we do all the things down here.. ;D
The dirty south of Sweden should belong to denmark
Nice input on the swedish dating scene, I kind of like the fika though
Normally I never go for "fikas", it's a bloody waste of time. When I go out I normally (every friday and saturday) wind up in a girls bedroom somewhere. Swedish girls are - let me stress this - the easiest girls in the world. I now reside in Italy and on Malta where it's more or les impossible to get laid due to traditional culture and strong religion. If you wanna funk - cum to Sweden!
Spot on, I enjoyed it very much until I read the 100 comments of swedish-man-bashing. Sucks to be me I guess, but luckily for me and you I'm not dating at all :D
It's fun, cause it's true. Point to note: I do however love the fact that Swedish women don't let their looks go all to hell once they leave college.
Yes indeed.
Sucks that i don't go to parties then. :/
Yeah a lot here is true, but not a rule. I dare to say more common in small towns.
Swedes are afraid of "göra bort sig" public rejection, unless they are shit-faced and gets to easy "deppad".
But I know lots and lots of friends who found a partner over the net.
So dont forget this aspect that is getting larger significance worldwide.
internet was the nerds revenge, now they can get to know beautiful girls by MSN, etc and at least have a better chance than the sport guys running upfront with their nuts on girls faces. in the late 90´s - 02.
Today its a tool for everyone.
If you have IT skillz and work out your body it´s a smörgåsbord.
A chat session is more powerfull than a fika. trust me.
Meanwhile photoshop those pimples of the Jpg if have not met the person earlier.
It perhaps takes more depending on your goal but the longterm payoff comes faster.
If its a nightlong chat session it can result in a taxi next morning.
shitfaced toasex is for 14tis
Yes, all this is true, and it's a big reason why I had to leave Sweden (yes really!). Swedish girls are really sweet for the most part, but I simply don't trust Swedish women when it comes to building romatic relationships with them. As a man, when you know a relationship began with a very easy time getting the girl to bed -that probably means that girl could go to bed easily with anyone! It's also the fact that Swedish women persue men, and also the fact that they hardly never seem to want to get married -what kind of woman is that?!! There is also this friking shit Swedish idea about equality of the sexes -bluring the line completly what's masculine and feminine, as if it all comes down to if you have a penis or not and that being the only diffrence between the sexes! I feel blessed that I now live in a country where most people believe that men and women compliment each other. In Ireland women are proud to be women, they are much less confused than Swedish women, partly and probably because they don't try to act like men!
Funny, it's true in so many ways!
I have a long story wich I'd like to share with you, but I think i'll skip it due to boring reading :P
All in all, me and my current girl did no dates (she was on a date with my friend), it just "happened". and no, no drunk sex, just a kiss and we moved to a relationship :)
But yeah, I kindof did the move :)
thanks ,ill put it in my memory , you never know when I need to visit the country.
Greetz
(I hope you read swedish as good as I'm bad at writing in english!)
Träffsäkert! Det var åtminstone min första tanke. Speciellt gällande definitionen av 'fika'! Men när jag funderat en stund insåg jag att jag själv inte alls upplevt denna process. Hånglat på kompisars fester - javisst. Men resten av storyn? Nej! Det är från mina kompisar jag känner igen det så väl och inte från mina egna erfarenheter. Jag misstänker att det beror på min enfaldiga tro på en mer romantisk inledning på ett förhållande. Jag klipper helt enkelt efter hånglet! Och där har vi kanske anledningen till att jag fortfarande är singel... Jaja. Nu efterlyser jag i alla fall en beskrivning av DIN syn på dating and mating. Hur går det till i din verklighet, eller hur vill du att det ska gå till? Själv testade jag ett alldeles lagom och välkomponerat brev. Och det gick bra! Ett tag...
/ Med värme och respekt - Peter
Well i actually jump from step one to a casual movienight/sleepover and from there on we usually agree to date or get out of eachothers lifes..
*LOL*
quite interesting, since I'm a Finn who's going to spend the next spring in Sweden, nice to know what to expect. but frankly, I think Finns are even more difficult than Swedes on dating and mating issues so no, I'm not scared.. ;)
Well put.
Swedes rock. :-)
Are you interested in a fika?
Yeah this is kind of true but not the whole truth. I think this is how it works everywhere more or less. i can only speak for myself and i can say that if i am intrested in a girl then i try to tell her in anyway. if its by conversation/phonecall/email/sms it doesnt matter as long as i feel like she also has a intrest in me and i get to tell her. but hey girls you are not that easy to read as you think! i can say that i am tired of reading minds and to ALWAYS know how she feels sometimes when she doesnt even talk to me about it?! thats what has started this whole thing. big love for honesty thats what last and still im a swede :P
this equation is so true ;)
Gave me a good laugh
thank you
*bockar och niger*
It is so true. been living in sweden for 16 years now, single for 9. one way too describe things is "the women have no idea what they want only that it is definately not you" But if you dont play by the (fika) rules and take all the steps, you are too forward, or desperate or even worse...a pervert. sad culture
I would NEVER date a swede or go into a relationship with one ever again.....I see how they are with each other and its frightening.... one day they love you...the next day they marry you.... and on the third day they fall out of love.... and move on...with a skip in their strides as they merrily leave you to pick up the peices ....and most the times they dont even love the next person....its just good to have someone thats fairly agreable to sex and to living together for a while.....my ex is like that.... as long as the girl likes him it doesnt matter.... he just wants the sex and someone to cook for him....until something else takes his fancy....nothing is permanent .....nothing is safe with a swede.... they swap and change feelings like yesterdays laundry....have a swede as a friend sure they are pretty good as friends....but for relationships they truely suck big time....sorry you swedes but you really do have such cold hearts....and I really have come to believe that you dont even know the meaning of love....and your lives are simply just an excuse for as much drink, sex and living off the state after you get yourselves stupidly pregnant...makes me so angry....such beautiful people with DUMB ways of living....and the writer of one of the comments was right, you show a bit of initiate in any direction, try and be friendly and your classed as a pervert... well said O2CuI2I....
Well, as one of those date-issues, I can just say… that it is so much truth in what you are writing. I think that Swedes are very cold harted and superficial too, really. And on the other hand I think that we work so long weeks and hours, so it takes some planning to meet someone for a “fika”. And when we say something and get in love, we really mean it and it takes some time to find out, we are longsome people in our harts and minds. But we are honest, that is the positive side of the coin.
hugs from
Tiina
Damn... *lol*
That´s why I stick to sex....
Hahaha! It's so true, and so sad.. Why are we this way? This is why I never meet guys, I think this hole progress is so pathetic! Please, can't we just start acting like normal people in other countries?? Pleaaase!
Hmm, live in sweden but have never really experienced it to this degree :)
For me it usually ends up in bed on day 1, wether or not it's from a party, work, internet or whatever, then it either works or it doesnt..
That reminds me,. i'm off to a wonderful girl in Leksand in a few hours, better hurry up ;)
What is this? I don't recognize any of it, neither in my own life nor in the lives of my friends. I think that the writer has found some weird sub-group of people which she is trapped in.
So girls, if you only find boys that that just want to go and "fika" with you, hardly says a word during that spectacular event, and then wants to split the modest bill.. Move on and find a new group of people.
The problem I find with the dating scene is that most girls there are trash, they're like worn out madrasses. They're great as casual girlfriends, but I'd never get into a serious long-term relationship with some trashy "sex and the city" type of girl.
So I guess some girls need to learn to see the signs of rejection, even if they can be hard to spot.
/AS(S)
Haha! On the spot. Except for two things though:
1. The hugs after the fika session are normally not awkward, but kind of warm and with a "should I kiss him/her"-thing going on.
2. There are loads of people who are really very easygoing. Like me.
Fika is the best!!
And yeah, swedish guys are horribly bad at showing appreciation, although this is often to prefer to the south European approach...
fo sheezy! :D
Swedes, superficial? Cold hearted? Are you mad? What planet are you living on? I am a Stockholmer. Have you met any Americans lately? If so then you might understand the definition of superficial.
Some ridiculous comments here but the original post was funny. I'm with one of the other posters here though, if you are still waiting for a dinner date after a week, you're a pussy.
And yes, if anyone was wondering, Swedish women really are THAT beautiful.
I'd name my child, either Hamlet or Miko...
I'm a Stockholmer, and becouse of that, I don't know any other "dating techniques" than the one described in this most entertaining text.
I was hoping for someone to write a similar text, but this time discribe how you date in the united states.
I am just one week in Sweden, so I cannot confirm nor deny the statement...the only thing I want to know is how someone can be that drunk that much with those alcohol prices...but nevertheless thanks for the tips on how to score a swedish girl ;), i will try it out sometime next week
I second every little word of what "världens bögigaste kille" skrev.
I just dumped a guy ´cos our dating rate was just like this list.. and I didn't see it until after... for Gods sake swedish guys COME ON!!
De va en skit kul "description", inte så konstigt at jag är så "lost" dating i USA. Inget "drunk sex" till att börja med, inget fika och så måste man alltid betala för allt, så man är alltid pank. Kanske de e dags att flytta tillbaka till gamla Sverige =)
My husband, daughter and I just moved here a month ago from the US. I am a licensed therapist/counselor and a Swedish young friend of mine (now living in the US) told me to read this blog. She insists it is so true. I just can't help but respond. As I read it, I feel sad that such intelligent people can do such dumb things... It appears that both Swedish genders bash one another. What about mutual respect? I am far from conservative but I certainly don't believe that drunken sex on the first meeting helps anything...it usually hurts everything. I have worked with many a single who has felt totally demoralized the morning after...and then is left wondering what the hell happened? Questions such as: Why did I do that?; Who did I do that with?; What happens next? come afterwards. And if you do it too often you're left wondering all the time about who you are. Why not try having some meaningful conversation first...like who are you? Should we split the bill? Fika is not the issue unless that's all anyone does in the relationship. At any rate, thanks for helping me understand an important part of your culture. We love it here so far and already really do care about this culture and the Swedish people...we wouldn't have moved here in the first place if we didn't. After reading and thinking about all of the comments, I came away feeling sad for so many of you...there appears to be so much dissatisfaction with your dating/mating ritual. I agree with a commenter who said...don't run away! Work on changing it! I have been married 29 years to the same man...I know what it means to be committed. Not saying it's easy but am saying it's well worth it. I wouldn't like to be in your dating scene for a minute. Equality of the sexes does not mean that you can plunder one another. The most long-lasting and best relationships are built on strong friendships first and always. Try it sometime and you will get hooked! Who are you callin' Granny? With the most sincere respect and pathos for all of you...An American in Stockholm.
I think there's much truth in the original post, and very funny it was. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. As anyone can judge from the many comments that followed, one of the best thing about us Swedes is the way we can laugh at ourselves, we even take a certain pride in being a bit weird. ;o) However, trying not to become overly defensive, other comments, calling us cold-hearted and without feelings is a bit naive and really quite offensive. Wherever I go in the world, and especially in the south of Europe, this accusation tends to show up a lot though. Now, there is the facade and there is the content inside, separate this please. Surely nobody could seriously believe that people of some nations are kinder or more loving than others. We are all made of the same stuff. Then culture shapes our behaviour, but that's a completely different issue. In spite of all the cheek kissing, the average Costas or Nikos do not have warmer hearts than Kalle or Niklas. Feelings inside do not always show on the outside. This really should be obvious, but I explain nevertheless. Finally equality is great and goes without saying, though I agree it has brought us some confusion as well. And what our roles within an equal society are, is what girls and boys of all forward thinking countries are trying to make out. Thanks to Curiosa for a clever post, unfortunately some of the comments it caused, were less clever.
Till alla (läs svenska killar) som blit lackade av att läsa detta inlägg: ingen rök utan eld or as jo can say in inglish, no smoke vittaut fajjer...
Actually, I have never seen this behaviour. Never anything even close to. Not even once. And I've lived in Sweden my entire life.
Funny, though, true or not.
The intricate dancing and all the fika, that is. Drunk people having sex is very hard to miss, of course.
fika is the next smorgasbord or ombudsman. spread the word.
Swedish girls are the most beutiful girls in the world. If it wasn't so cold in Sweden, I would move up there.
Abba was my favorite musical group when they were playing together.
I have also heard that Swedish girls are extremely passionate in bed. True or false?
JRG
http://cubajournal.blogspot.com
Cuba,
I've never gone to bed with a Swedish girl (at least in the sense that I think you mean), so I'm really not the best person to answer your question.
Curiosa
Really enjoyed your original post, I afraid I cant say the same on some of the comments inserted by various skumbags...yeaa, thats right ..you know who you are
Anyway, being from stockholm I have to say that you are very precise with your observations indeed and it would be very interesting to see what you have to say on the same topic with regards to New York dating scene and also which one you would prefer (speed dating vs. fika etc...:)
keep up the good work and I cant wait for the follow up!:)
The first day analysis is very good, and yes it sucks all over the rest of the world to go out with girls or meet them, because you cannot have sex :-( And all over the world they are ugly as well (except Scandinavia and the Nordic countries).
Swedes are generally shy and overtly reserved, until we drink, and we get very upfront and "normal", kind of like your average annoying Californa USA "dude" or annoying slimy southern European sleezeball.
However I boycott SMS, I call directly as well, but a few days after. Much better. If they reply and are happy, they are interested, if not you maybe send and SMS or leave a message. If they dont call back forget about it. Dont chase a girl. Best bet but highest risk is to leave your number and maybe get a SMS back :-)
In anycase, people who are trying to go to Sweden to score, Swedish gils are excellent in spotting desperate guys, so then you are out of luck! Be hard to get and they will be after you if they like you.
Seen out of an ethnological context, the original post is hilarious. I see the image of the shy, male peasant who takes a "järn" (drink) before he goes to the "dansbana" (local gathering/dating in the countryside) and ask that beautiful girl, living on the next farm, to dance with him. I imgaine this is what my grandfather did. But how we've moved to the expectations of "swedish" dating today, that is a mystery. Or was it like this 50 years ago?
I find reading some of the comments really depressing. Is this the way some of you percieve all Swedes? Can't you realise that different cultural upbringing shapes the things we tend to prefer? I'd want us all to fight against the deeply rooted norms that we don't like, but I do NOT appreciate to have a different set of norms pushed on me.
We're generally cold, on the outside. I belive that is a part of our upbringing. But I don't believe we're cold, or want to be cold, on the inside.
My cold facade, comes from my insecurity. And that can't be helped by any dating/mating in the world.
Does finding a soul mate make me a very sound and happy person? Every time I've tried I almost have gone over the deep end. It has come to that point that start wondering if I even have been in love, or can be in love, in the sense that there is someone out there who is the love of my life. On the other hand I've also come to doubt that the heternormative way of swedish families is the way for me.
Until I find a true love, I have only me and my equally confused friends to care for. I'm fighting off the family expectations best I can. And I'm really to bruised and battered mentally to do any dating, of any type. So, I think I'll never find love, if it doesn't come kick me in the ass!
I'm not sad, just a tad realistic and on a path for my own personal happiness. I hope everyone just could take one moment to think about what they want, not what culture, family and friends expect from you. When you can confess your insecurities, the future for mankind, Swedes, males, females, queers is a bit brigther.
I am - against all odds, it seems - happily married to a Swedish man. As a woman, you have to take command, OK, but it's not all that bad, because it leaves you much more choice than if you had had to wait to be picked up by a man.
I do agree that the original post was indeed hilarious, though a bit offensive ;).
I don´t know how people do it abroad but I didn´t loose my virginity in the back of a car att the local drive in ;) We never went out for a "fika"(coffe). I wasn´t drunk and we did hump like bunnies at home whilst my parents was watching TV downstairs. And yes we where both minors and in Sweden it´s considered OK to have your girlfriend/boyfriend sleeping over before your eighteenth birthday. And the loss of virginity does not mean marriage for life.
In Sweden it´s OK for girls to be as horny as guys and they know that. You just don´t take a girl you love out for a "fika". Thats just cheap and if they did take you out for a "fika" they where really just scouting around to see if you would be interested in some kind of sexuall activity that they later on could analyse together with a friend over another "fika". Sweden is a quite "fika" fixated country. It´s much funnier getting laid sober after a "kaffe o kanelbulle" (coffe and cinnemonroll)and some hours of chittchatt than "dyngrak"(hammerd) some saturdaynight by the local "korvmojj"(kfc, McD or wherever your latenightmunchies kick in). Swedes are a quite social people though only to people that we know or want to get to know(lära känna på ;).
"Fika" a great way to fuck ;)
I'm a native Southern Californian which is its own culture(although some say there is no culture). This blog was interesting because for years I have only gone on fikas, having been on way too many nightmare dates with and without steady guys. Fikas are more relaxed and a much nicer way to socialize. Glad to know where they were invented. For some reason, I've only met one Swede in my life, most Scandinavians I know in L.A. are from Finland, which isn't supposed to be Scandinavian. But from the description, Swedish men are not at all what I had imagined. I must have read too many Viking stories.
Oh well.....
Funny and interesting blog! Will keep reading your posts
Hi! This is soo true! You have really hit the nail on the head! I have spent many years overseas and since coming back to Sweden dating has lost all its charm.
Why?? Anyone?
/Swedish female
Hello all!
I moved to Gothenburg 2 months ago and I am learning a lot about the Swedish life. I am a girl from Brazil and I can tell that the Brazilian and Swedish cultures are quite different (even more when it comes to relationship issues!). I was wondering: how do you know when a Swedish guy is not commmitted? Many guys have been nice to me, but I got to know that they have a girlfriend. So, I got dissapointed because I was getting interested to know more about them...Please let me know how it works! Also, I am not the kind of person who likes to meet someone at a bar. In this case, where could I meet nice and single guys here?
Thanks!
I'm only Swedish by ethnicity, and yet I still recognize myself and my siblings! (As well as that adorable Swede that I thought wasn't interested...)
Wow, now I understand a bit, I'm from London and I've been seeing (interested in) this Swedish guy, but all we seem to do is email, txt, go for dinner, txt, email, and forget each other for months and then get another email or txt out of the blue. I really like him, but I don't want to sleep with him until I know how he feels, and it seems I will never know. I don't know any other Swedish peops so can't get advice. Thanks for your post, it's a start.
I must say that I have enjoyed reading these comments and learning about the Swedish culture. I'm from Los Angeles and just have come back from visiting Scotland and Ireland. If any of you women want a more agressive man try those places. It was hard keeping the men away so I could sight see in peace. To say the least, it was a pleasant change from all the gay men here.
Interesting.....
I'm reading and I'm laughing and I'm recognising!
Shit I have to show this one around - but at the same time there's a whole other scene with dating and mating and whatever that I know of here that's totally different from this. It may be because I'm 19 and live near a university, and maybe I've gotten blessed with a certain amount of....non-swedish dating ;P Which steps are:
1. Meeting and talking on a party 2. Beeing asked frankly what I want which easily determined what would happen next.
3. Make out or Move on with the party mingle-ation :)
Anywho, I had a point, and that was that yes - we are too afraid of..like eachother. Straight answers is not hard to give and not to ask from anybody else for that matter.
The easiest girls in the world are in Chile, Brasil and Britain. Everyone knows that. Swedish girls aren't worth the trouble. The whiter they are, the harder they fall.
Hah hah hah! So very true and brilliantly put!
As a Swedish guy that has moved back from having lived outside of this "equality" hysterical country I can only agree. This also explains why I had girlfriends abroad but it seems FKN impossible to meet an interesting girl here in Göteborg without having to go out and get shitfaced on that horrible, horrible Avenyn.
The Swedish mindset is usually more than conservative of how things should be done - but all cleverly disguised in a wet and smelly quilt of "equality", meaning effectively removing any generosity or sense of humor. Boys and girls equally there though, ironically enough. :)
I'm moving out of here again when I'm done with this round of studies. Yeah!
Very informative! I will put the bible to the test!
Thanks for the warning.... Will be coming to Sweden for a while and will be stuck in the north pole with the ice, snow and swedish men around...horrors!
And at the very very scary moment: go out to dinner...
The mates pull their rikskuponger to pay the bill
rikskuponger = lunch cupons
You forgot the HB, Swedish Hembränt, which is more normally that Swedes drink than Carlsberg and absolut, or how old are you?? Try that next time and you will probably get more luck! ;)
"Swedish girls are - let me stress this - the easiest girls in the world. I now reside in Italy and on Malta where it's more or les impossible to get laid due to traditional culture and strong religion. If you wanna funk - cum to Sweden!"
Marino: You haven´s been in many countries if you think the Swedish girls are the easiest.
Many Swedish guys do actually go abroad since they have a hard time getting laid in Sweden.
They mostly go to Thailand (a lot easier girls then Sweden) but also Bulgaria
In fact most parts of Eastern Europe have easier girls then Sweden.
You only have to go to Hungary (a lot closer then Sweden) and you find both sexier and sluttier girls then Sweden
Oh man! Now I understand why he seems confused when I call him!
And no drunkenness for me. Thankyouverymuch.
I'm not one to generalize about the genders. I actually find Swedish men very warm, mature and wonderful listeners.
I just read this post and I nearly died of laughter.
I came across this blog (and thank you for having it !!!) because I'm considering moving to Sweden to join my cousin. (I am from the US).
More importantly, I recently visited Stockholm and met a lovely guy (stayed with him b/c he is a friend of a friend) and am now totally confused as to what the hell is happening! Is emailing me every other day a good sign or just being friends? If I'm here in the states and he's there, does fika apply. And holy shit! Do I have to go through the hell of fika?
And I really like him (and no, even though I stayed with him, we didn't have sex).
God or someone on this blog give me a sign...
Oh, and American dating is equally confusing. I'm of Indian origin and lived in the US my entire life and still don't know what the hell is wrong with American boys. It's a sex struggle all the time.
Hi I'm Thai and very concerned about a misleading comment about Thai women here ..
Anyway --after repeatly hearing about men-women equality in Sweden.Why on earth women are still 'limited' to sex and men allowed to women hunt /women exploitation /getting drunk to have sex and even travel to neighbouring countries like Bulgaria--or Thailand )'and get away with that ?? That was called 'manslut' you know ..Have you heard of HIV ??and STD --Sexually Transmitted Diseases ?? Who want to marry these guys ?? It is like living with a time bomb.And not worth it.Whatever culture might be making that acceptable -in reality it is not so let me tell you.It is considered quite shallow and cheap.
Men and women are the same in general -they want good food house drink entertainment sucess recognignition they need passion to feel alive and why not sex!! Sex is uplifting and is great !!Why should they be catagorized to be easy /easiest when they what sex like you ?? Are you men only 'allowed' to have unlimitation to sex ?? come on !
How many men who could go on without sex for months years like women and wait for the right one whether right in means of special someone or right SEX !!? We like to have it with someone special and we do not 'lie' to get sex like men do .And we get numbed' when we feel cheated and men do change like tides to be different person at different degree and timezone every time!!Hello--have you ever listened to your own self ?? It's called 'split personality ' !!! It is so true that women seem to have a better memory !!There is phisical differences between men and women that have been and always will be an issue !!And mostly men cheat on their women or simply click change of their heart more like on a remote control !! It's mercy of nature women can only be pregnant and raise up children .Imagine what it will be like the other way around !!
Regarding to 'women in Thailand'.Yes we have prositute peoblems and that's true that 'some' people come to Thailand for sex .But you have to 'pay' them otherwise you don't 'get' it .Good girls you will not see them in bars or anywhere'at night' because they come from a nice family and it 'doesn't look good' for the family.If you see them they are actually with their family and friends in restaurants (not bars or clubs) and hard to approach !!( I'm not talking about some girls for rent at Pat Pong or Pattaya etc) ..We have an economy issue here and it will never go away because money talks !! So if you don't have money -no power zero fullstop !!Nice Thai women here they don't talk to strangers .Some are still virgins at 30,40---is that a surprise to you ?? or even 50 !!!
but I'm sure you can always find way to scold them that they are oldmates -right ?? Some of oldmates that I know are very very pretty attractive and intelligent maybe their parents are high ranking in companies/army/doctors with big surname ..etc We have 'big' surnames here ..If you think you know about Thailand do you know about this ? There are classes and big gap and not Thai girls can be genaralized in a lame way.Our history has dated back more than 2500 years ago
I thought people come to Thailand for bussiness culture exotic destinations Thai boxing people who smile alot (and sincerely) hospitality good and cheap cheap (sea)food Thai massage best world's city and beaches and cheap getaway-am I wrong ??
It is so true I dated one Swedish guy for many months (I am Thai )He is very secretive and I feel like I'm on a probation or something.He picked me up from airport in his 'shaf' BMW bought me nice dinner invited me to his house (I have never been there )visited me in Bangkok asked me to visit him in Manila yet he 'seldom'replyed to my sms or email.He confirmed he is neither married or have children so here I am understanding the dating ritual /men mentality in Sweden ..very confusing.Maybe Swedish guys are totally confused .
Now he is gone and am quite happy :_)
"Regarding to 'women in Thailand'.Yes we have prositute peoblems and that's true that 'some' people come to Thailand for sex .But you have to 'pay' them otherwise you don't 'get' it "
Many Swedish guys that are not very old old or uggly say "You will get paid afterwards and they kick her out of the Hotel room afterwards" and that works really fine lol. It is a lot easier to find girls in Thailand then Sweden and I am not talking about prostitutes.
I'm aware this is like a super old post, but I still have to comment. Maybe someone will read sometime.
I found the original posting funny, especially the part about sms analyzing. Been there, done that big time.
Some of the comments, though, leave me with a bad taste in my mouth. It's like nothing has happened. It's like totally old news. Guys can sleep around, but the girls they sleep around with are slutty whores.
I love sex, okay. I'm gonna have sex if I can even if I'm not in a relationship. And, I can tell you that the mansluts that gives it the first date are never the ones I end up with for the long run. Quite the opposite. The three really long relationships I've had all started with the man refusing me sex the first night. Then I knew he wasn't a slut and I had to work for it.
Now, this would make some of the commenters above claim I'm trying to act like a man and take over their role. I am doing no such thing. I don't give a fuck about your gender ideas. This is who I am. I am a woman and I do whatever the hell I please. I'm glad you left the country, because I would hate to have to meet you in a bar some night, but it also makes me sad that you can go abroad to look for women you can bully about.
That whole idea says something about you, don't you realize? You simply don't have the strength to deal with a woman equal to you. You are a sissy, dear sir, and I'm not impressed.
Swedish men FTW - sms or not!
try doing the fika thing for a month then heading into the friend zone part then the liquor part followed by the sleeping together part back to the fika part where you try to decide where its going and then suddenly to the lets get married part out of the blue.
swedish men are completely insane and unusual.
Swedish dating style is somewhat similar to Vietnamese dating style, with lots of Fika.
Vietnamese usually go to coffee shop for the first times, after that we maight consider going to cinema, theatre, etc but coffee is the main activity to get to know each other better and develop feeling.
If we get along very well during those coffee, this means that we can have good conversation toghether and something good for a long term relationship. American, or say most of Western dating style are based on the passion, that's why it maight end up after a very short time.
I like the Fika part, I like to take it slow to get to know each other better before coming into more intimate activity. However, I don't like the idea that I have to pay during my dates. Usually in here, guys are expected to pay for everything during dating.
Or sometimes if I go out with guys and I am to pay, this usually means that I am not interested in that guy at all and just want to be normal friend or I don't like some of his behaviour. In either case, it is not a good signal for that guy.
Nowadays, some Vietnamese modern gals are willing to pay, but just a small part, usually to show the contribution.
well
im korie and im from china
i told a swedish guy that i liked him but im not expectin anything from him,just wanted him to know.
he started sendin me text messages and talk to me on MSN.
the he asked me out.
i went to his place,i thought at least we're gunna make out or something like that,but he just talked to me,then he asked if i wanna c a movie,we end up watchin DECEPTION and we were not even sittin on the same couch!!!
when i left,he didnt even gimme a goodbye kiss,i asked him about all my confusions then he said he has a cold and he doesnt want me to get it.
What?Does this even makes sense??
im sooooooo confused now!!!
why did he ask me out?
does he likes me?
anybody knows????
I Mean,COME ON,SWEDISH GUYS!!!
dnt make me feel like a loser...
tears...
Japp! Well put. We're still having discussions though, like how to date the Swedes.
Our Swedish guide:
http://lostinstockholm.com/2007/10/10/dating-in-swedenwe-americans-need-a-guide
The joys of funny swedes!
just respect at first move to different cultures,after you will see , it is amazing..I am a Turkish girl and we mostly still do not have sex before marriage and new genereation is changing hope so..but I met a Swedish boy,I love him ,he is shy,cute and behaving respectly..come on !! there is one language in world that open all doors: love! just love people ..
Hye I´m from Portugal and i love my country...sun shine here !
But i love sweden too...have you an ice heart ?
I totally respect the commentator that moved to London because of the situation you describe.
In a high-school in Lidingö, Stockholm (Gångsätra Gymnasium), it was banned by the school administration to give roses on Valentines Day because those who wouldn't get a rose could feel sad about not getting one (or the student council was forbidden to sell roses). That is an vicious attack on the human condition.
For years I experienced the mental prison that results in the dating process so successfully analyzed in the blog post. The feeling, as a man, is like having the oxygen flow to the brain lowered to 50 % by having a strap around the neck, making me woozy, and having someone talked me into removing my balls and inserting them into my ass, creating a "this is equallity"-bliss sensation. The guy dont appreciate the date, he appreciates being non-assertive in a sadistic and maschocistic manner.
My antidote, which may just work some day, is to experience my body (inspiration from Eckhart Tolle) and submit to the fact that I as a human is a part of the animal kindom with urges that are not always intellectually masterminded. The animalistic view I try to grind in by reading Straw Dogs by John Gray, Tao-te Ching with commentary by Wang Bi and books by an english zoologist (like "The Human Ape" or something like that).
Dancing, like in Chicago75 in Stockholm and I guess salsa, is a way of getting to meet people that at least have the guts to socialize without the alcohol and have bodily first-encounter that is not sex or make-out.
I have felt that my sexual self get integrated into the rest of me only when I meet american women and when I am in USA.
This blog post reminds me of numerous entries in the discussion board at www.thelocal.se .
This is true and Swedes really do need to chill when it comes to meeting new people in general. It's like they think everyone they don't know is a psychopath who will follow them around and make their lives miserable if they talk to them.
But I don't think this is a result of the gender equality thing, I think it has more to do with the fact that it is shameful to show emotions in this country, and that Swedes are terrified of conflicts of any kind.
Swedes are very hard on themselves and other Swedes, emotions are for the weak. Be strong or be rejected! They are less hard on foreigners because: 1.) they can't be expected to know all the rules, and 2.) being from another country makes you fascinating and cool. Unless you are from Eastern Europe, because Swedes are (even though they honestly try hard not to be) suspicious towards people from these countries.
It's ironic, but I think this is what happens to a country that haven't been at war for 200 years and has no real natural disasters. Sadly, humans NEED a bit of misery and destruction in order to come together and reach out to other people.
GREAT!! simply GREAT! I completely agree with you and I have only spent 1 year in the wonderful and politically correct Sweden.
Everything based on appearances and alcohol. I think next step would be to have some stadistics to know how many people are really alcoholic here, I suppose more than a 40%, it´s amazing, it´s sad and it´s true.
It could be the cold, the darkness or the way they try to be, nothing can be so correct and they aren't. They wait the whole week for thrusday´s afternoon. Then, they go to systembolaget and start thinking about how drunk they will be in a couple of hours. The procedure is repeated during the next 3 days.Sunday is called the recovery day, again REALLY SAD.
How things could be so good in here? How the economy can work so well? there´s something behind? I really think so.
I work in here, I live in here and since I arrive I really know there´s not such a sad country as this.
That is the truth.
Thanks again for the article
Thank you for your inspiring blog. I am sorry to read that you feel this way about Swedish men. The facts are that Swedes actually consume less that average alcohol per capita in Europe. But if this is the way you feel about the situation than that is bad enough. I personally does not know of anyone of my friends that has ever split the bill at a dinner date or been indecisive in regards to the whole "asking out" ritual. Maybe you and your friends select a special type of men to date and then draw the conclusion that they are the same.
Keep on writing your interesting reflections.
//Fredrik
I hate it when women get upset about men not making the move.
women are free people, they can do it themselves you know. They should even. They're harder to please than most men.
And yes, if anyone was wondering, Swedish women really are THAT beautiful.
Hi there!
Greetings from the continent!
I, a female non-Swede, just have to share my story with you. I DON'T GET SWEDISH MEN AT ALL.
I met a Swede abroad and he confused the shit out of me!
In the end I just gave up, it was too complicated for me. I kept getting mixed signals, and I think I got more signals that under normal circumstances would mean that he is 'just not that into me'. At least, that was the consensus after repeated overanalysis by me and my (also non-Swedish) friends.
BTW, alternative explanations to him not liking me were:
1) He is gay
2) He says he doesnt, but he actually has a girlfriend
3) I didnt act coy and girly enough around him (=he doesnt feel enough of a man with an independent woman)
4) He is a geek/nerd that doesnt know how to treat a woman
5) He is a player and does the pull-attract game in order to get my attention
You see that none of the alternatives are really flattering.
But we didnt think of alternative explanation nr 6: he's a Swede!
To me this guy was absolutely gorgeous and funny and I really enjoyed spending time with him. I would have loved to have gotten to know him better in a casual way without any strings attached.
I think he liked me.. but I will never know for sure.
Let me just summarize how he behaved:
* He seeked out my company during dinner, we sat down at the same table but he never sat down besides me. There was always at least one spot in between us.
* Whenever I engaged him in conversation, he participated very eagerly. He rarely started a conversation with me, although the times that he actually did, he seemed flirty. (or was that my imagination?)
* When we were travelling on the bus, he hung on to the bar so our arms would touch, although there was absolutely no necessity for this. I played along, it kind of amused me, but he never followed through. No kiss. No nothing.
* I put my pride aside and messaged him on Facebook. We sent several messages to eachother, with him showing some kind of affection when he said 'he was actually going to hit on me' on one evening but then I left early. That comment was then marginalized and burried in jokes.
As I said, he just confused the shit out of me and in the end I gave up. I'm no masochist and I get enough attention from men to know I can do better than someone almost hitting on me... seriously!
Recently out of a bad relationship, and I wasn't looking for anything romantic.. but what can you do when you meet a cute Swede? Somehow he got to me with his blue eyes.
In retrospect, I should have gotten shit faced on cheap wine and kissed him. Maybe that would have helped.
My plea to the Swedish men out there: just let a girl know if you like her or not. This Swedish dating/non-dating thing is just really cruel.
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Ooomg... its soooo fucking true! 100% agree. I am a russian girl and I live in Germany where I met him. This guy is rather that type of swedish guys with fika, fika… and sweet sms and massages like you describe and fika again. I really like him, may be even I am in love with him, he has such a great soul and such a great sense of humour, but I don’t know anymore... I feel he likes me too, but that all is soooooooooo uncertain about his behaviour, dating or non-dating.. don’t know what to do.. That makes me just CRAAAZY. It's the first time in my life i feel like that.
Funny and sad to know I am not alone.. Never give up or what? May be after reading this blog I should give him a chance or is that all kind of Swedish syndrome and there's nothing to do anymore...?
Strange Sweet Swedes… Show your real emotions, pls! I know you cannnnnnnnn. I hope so.
I am excited to see more of your work...nice background!...Online Dating
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A wonderful piece on the horrors of dating. I guess you already know this from the success of comments, but it's really good reading. Congratulations F. Curiosa! Just love it :)
How many unrelated comments.
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I find it very interesting and very informative though I haven't tried dating some Swedish men. Anyways, it doesn't matter how handsome the guy you're dealing with what matters most is how you cooperate with each other just to make your date very memorable.
So at NO time during this "Experiment" did you ever think that sitting in a corner wasnt the optimal way of finding this elusive mate you speak of?
If you just go through all your steps until you get to the sleeping part, and stop being a slut, you might just notice people can take your number. The "FIKA" is exactly the same as "getting a coffee". And what your discussion is about is as much up to you as it is to him (him probably being the swedish version of a chav judging by your pickup-strategy).
My strategy is somewhat like yours but when you leave a club I rarely say "Hey, lets have a bit of intercourse, eh?". You just walk towards his/your bus/home/train etc and whatever happens happens (If that is ALWAYS sex, then youre frankly a slut. Have some standards). If one has the slightest interest in the other you just ask for his/her number.
You went to Sweden. Got in with a few fjortisar (check the meaning of that word), you got drunk, slept with a few assholes and then suddenly realized they were assholes.
Kudos. 7 years well spent.
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Hello!
Swedish Radio like to get in contact with you Curiosa. I want to make an reportage about datingculture and find your text entertainig and it give a interesting view on swedish dating and complications that comes with cultural dating claches...!
Hope that you see this today, cause Id like to meet tomorrow or the day after maybe to do the story this week. (20/5 2013).
If you want to share your refelextion om swedish dating and mating please send me an e-mail with your contacts:
linda.karlsson(at)sr.se
Ha det bra!
/Linda Karlsson, Sveriges Radio P1, Godmorgon, Världen!.
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wth drives a volvo now days, btw not all swedish people is the same.
I'm sad to see that after all this time you have spent in Sweden you have only seen this. Maybe you should try to open up to the population of Sweden that is not socially handicapped and alcoholic.
Where you lost all my respect is "Swedish babies wouldn't respect without massive amounts of alcohol". I assume you want to be some sort of writer, and if I where you the first thing I would take away are those false claims.
Hoppas du njuter av din resterande tid i Sverige. Ett tips från mig till dig; håll dig borta från de inavlade alkoholisterna om du någonsin känner att du vill förbättra ditt liv, för om du umgås med dem så förstår jag att det suger!
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